We no longer have a home... This past week felt like months.. and the worst part of moving is over.
Although the chaos is over... My heart can't get over the fact that I'm leaving. For a while it didn't seem lilke it was happening, then I stepped into an empty house... and I just started bawling.
As I walked around the empty home.. My mind replayed moments that once happened here or there, most of which were happy moments.
I can't believe nearly 8 years of memories lay in this single home. All good memories, good times, and moments that I will never forget. Even though we turned in the keys and we're moving on... My heart will always be here in Mathies Court.
But on the day of my mother's funeral, the room was filled with people who knew her & loved her.
For someone who loves to talk.. to constantly share her thoughts and feelings.. This time, I don't know even know how to begin. The thought of shutting down this blog occurred to me as I felt like shutting myself out of this world.
But that's not who I am. Sure, I may "shut-down" as I often do whenever something bigger than my own understanding happens. But I always find my way out of it... and more times than often, I can't do it on my own.
I have continued to find comfort in the love of family, friends, and most important, the love of God, my ultimate comforter and healer. This song sums up where I am right now in my life:
This line gets to me every.single.time:
Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through
*****
I still feel "lost".. maybe because there is a part of me that's searching for answers that will help me understand. I walk around with my head held high, but I'm literally broken inside. I ache to hear her voice one more time. My heart yearns to be with my brother.
I know what I need in my life, it's never been more evident. And that is why I am so grateful that God has chosen a new path for us...
This is My Brother, Ronald.
We've never really had a relationship.. Early on in my life.. just when he started to find the right path, I left home to find my own way and raise my family. Since I left nearly 17 years ago, he has been the sole care giver for all the elderly people in that home. He's taken care of, till their dying day.. my grandmother, my father, and most recently my grandfather and our mother. I admire him for that.. as most of you know, it is probalby one of the hardest thing to do, to take care of an elderly person. For over a decade, he has unselfishly given most of his life to make sure everyone around him is taken care of.
Now I'm not gonna wait for the next 10 years to build a relationship with him. If there was anything I learned from these past few weeks... is that, time waits for no one and to make the most of the time that's given to us, each and everyday. Simple concept. One that everyone hears over and over again. But it never really means anything... till you are hanging on to the final seconds of life.
Although I love.. LOVE Alaska, it will always be my second home. Always. My heart is telling me to be with family back in Hawaii. My brother and his wife, Maggie. My sister in law, Wonnie and her hubby, Erick and the kids... they are all there.
When my mom was able to talk to me in the short few days I was there. She constantly asked me to take care of my brother. Ironic, that the little sister has come home to take care of her big brother. But that's the way it has always been.
With that said. My family and I have decided to move back to Hawaii.
Things will happen very quickly.. and we are expected to be out of this house by the end of the month.. in a few short weeks.
I will remain in Alaska till the first week of July, living with my girl, Paula.. hanging on to each day. But I don't leave with a heavy heart.. I know I made the most of my time here in Alaska (nearly 8 years) .. even with our extension, we grew to love this place and it will always be our second home... Although this is heartbreaking for my family and friends, I look forward to what God has planted before us.. a chance to be home with family.
I will try to update as much as I can to share this new journey for my family and I.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
My mother left us on April 2, 2012. Our hearts are torn. But we look up and smile, knowing she's in a better place with my dad, my grandfather, and my grandmother.
I will forever be greatful for the time I had with her in these last few days and I will keep her memories alive through my words, my actions, and in everything I do. She will never be too far.
A lot of changes are ahead for me and my family. I will try and keep you updated during this transition in my life. Until then, hold your loved ones tight and always tell them how much you love them.
*Thank you everyone for your kind words via emial, facebook, texts, and phone calls. It truly warms my heart.
There's only so much of the word STRONG I can be.. for now. For now, I will let the pain sear through my heart and I will let it get the best of me. The only time I stop crying, is when I finally fall asleep and my eyes are to swollen, they shut by themselves. I will expect the worst and prepare for the worst.
When someone asks me How are you doing? I will say, I’m Not fine.
I won’t sugar coat my feelings. I’ll keep that wound raw and open.
I’ll let myself feel the pain of learning to let you go. I will feel remorse for having left you.
I’ll scream to the top of my lungs, “I Hate You Cancer..”
For Now...
*****
I wrote that while I sat in the airport waiting for my flight back home. It's been 3 days and I have my "strong" days and "not so strong days". Her doctor called yesterday, she asked if I had any questions and I said, "No.." I told her what I've been trying to tell myself since my brother called a few weeks ago about her ailing condition. I said, "I clearly see the gravity of the situation, I understand what's going on, that we are simply here to keep her comfortable till she leaves us..."
I said that in the most disconnected and toneless voice as if, I knew what she wanted to hear. But in reality I wanted to shout to the top of my lungs.. "Fix her, I want you to make her better, Why won't you fix her!!!?"
Then I look over at my mom who tries to open her eyes. And I begin to say, "I just don't understand how it happeend so quickly, what if..."
And I stopped right there.. There I go again with the What Ifs.. What if we did this earlier, what if we go back and see what else we can do, What if..What if..
I sulked in my own tears..
What if .. I never left when I was 17 What if... I lived here all that time, I could've helped her more. What if... I stayed longer when I visited just a few months ago.
It's clear that when time pushes you to the edge of no turning back, you are begging for more time.
More time to do the things we never go to do. More time to say everything I wanted to say. More time for her to see the rest of the family. More time... with her.
*****
Today is Sunday April 1 and my mom has been in this coma-like/unresponsive state for over 24 hours. She has not able to drink, to eat, sit up, communicate.. Family has been in and out to sit by her side and talk with her. Her hospice came over to check on her, there's not much they can do.
So we all sit around her... and wait... hoping for more time...
"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo Proverb
My grandfather passed away on last Wednesday. And the first thing I said to my brother as he told me the news is "... he taught us how to ride a bike, remember that?"
That was the first thing that popped in my head, a clear memory of him, pushing our bikes on Ashford Street and telling me he's gonna let go and I yelled with pure adrenaline and excitement "Let go grandpa!!!" He clapped his hands as I flew down the street on two wheels. Then I stopped to see him helping my brother, and he is yelling "Don't let me go, grandpa!" with this look of fear in his eyes. He shakes his head at him...
I was always the fearless one... I think that's what he loved about me the most.
Then we turn into these self loathing teenagers... who did not want anything from "old people".. All that mattered was our friends, social life, and going out in our cars, new clothes, and boyfriends/girlfriends. We spent countless days a part but living in the same house.
But it wasn't till my first son came along when I was 17 that I saw that same twinkle in my grandfather's eyes. He loved watching him crawl, walk, or talk... He picked him effortlessly and placed him on his knee while he sat outside and fed the birds. By this time, my adolocsent days were over, even though I was just a kid myself. And I was no longer absorbed in petty things, but realized I needed my family.
Then I left them. I left Hawaii to raise my own family. I said good-bye many times in between the years with each visit and kept in touch with a Christmas card here and there. Years passed and my grandparents get old, my parents get older. I've buried my grandmother, my father, and now my grandfather..
Proof.. that time keeps moving forward no matter how much you want it to slow down.
I'm so glad I flew back home in January to see him one last time. My only regret is not telling him how I remembered about the bike lessons but I'm sure he knows. He lived a long & happy life, he was 95 when he passed. Even up till his final days (when I went to visit him) he refused to let old age get the best of him. He tried so hard to walk without the canes and not use the wheelchair. Stubborn is what my mom used to say. But I called it a strong will.
*****
I will be flying back home once again in a few days not only for my grandfather's funeral but for my mother as well. She has made a turn for the worst... and I will be at her bedside for a month. My family will be meeting me there in a few weeks and head home without me. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but all I know is that I need to be with my mother right now. Please keep us in your prayers, as this is probably one of the hardest things I have had to go through (along with losing my father several years ago). I am still constantly trying to find the strength to keep it all together. Many thanks to my wonderful supportive family and my friends who have given me that shoulder to cry one, more times than I can count... You guys are amazing and I am blessed!
Until then...
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
Before starting this project I thought I could just "wing it". You know grab a few photos, print them, and throw some scraps and journaling in there and call it good. But, that's not the kind of person I am, I guess.
I am such a planner. I wish I could be the "wing-it" kind of person.. but I find myself meticulously, (drawing out to detail) on how my page will look. (proof below).
I even printed out all the different page protectors that I have, so I can plan my layouts even better so I'm not constantly looking at all the packs I have.
Theres a printed out calendar I keep next to my planning calendar to refer to what week I'm on and jot down little notes of the day.
On my computer, I have a 2012 folder. Inside this folder I have all the weeks thus far. The highlighted folders mean they are completed.
In these folder are all the photos I took that day.
There are days I take quite a bit of photos. BTW, I've been using my iPhone for most, if not ALL the photos. *I really need to bring out the other cameras! But even with this many photos, not all will make the cut, even after they have been printed in a collage.
Another thing I always do (since week 7) is pick out a few pieces of matching patterns for the particular week. I cut them into 4x6's (1 sheet will give me 6 of them) which is enough to complete the week). So having a color scheme or an idea of it, makes creating the page quickly.
After a few weeks of jotting down notes, sketching my layouts, I thought I would start "winging it" but I think this works for me, I like the slight organization (even though my desk looks like a bomb went off) and I find that I'm even quicker in getting my layouts done when I fully pay attention to what I'm doing.
*****
WEEK NINE.
This week I decided to do one page.. there was not a lot going on, or photos either.. so one page was perfect.
WEEK TEN.
I started Week 10 with a 6x12 page protector, with 3 4x6 openings (6 total) because I knew I had a lot more photos to share that week.
Back of the 6x12 (blurry, sorry, but too tired to take another photo). I use collages when I know I have quite a bit of good photos I want to share about that week.. In a 4x6 template, you could use your crop tool at 2x2 and get 6 photos on there.
And here is the rest of Week 10.
I've used some of Marcy Penners printables for journaling HERE: *She has a shop, but it looks like she's on vacation right now, so the shop is closed? Not sure. I also use a lot of Paislee Press templates: HERE She types a lot of her journaling.. believe me I would like to that.. but I'm really trying to embrace my handwriting.. cause it does take time to type some of the journaling especially when you are well equipped with journaling cards from the kit with Project Life.
So... so far so good. I'm glad to sort of be caught up. But it is process that is constantly changing..
Just when you don't think you have it in you... you surprise yourself.
That was me, not even 24 hours ago.. I crossed the finish line yelling "Yes! Yes!"
In that single moment, I have never felt more alive.. At that very moment, it all made sense.. The hard work, the hours, the pain, the miles, the sweat, the tears, the fighting with my worst enemy, myself. At that moment, I ran "Self-Doubt" into the ground.. And I knew.. I could do anything. I was .. unstoppable.
I just beat my previous Personal Record from a few weeks ago in February's Frostbite Footrace of 28:53. Today, I came in at 26:19.
As runners, we are always trying to do top our previous records. And even though I didn't intentionally try to beat any records, I've been lacking sleep editing late at night and the night before, I just ran 6 miles... I really thought I didn't have it in me.
But when your surrounded by all these athletes all huddled (well freezing our butts off together) doing something we all love.. you can't help but feel inspired.
(we are strategically placed behind the speediest lady I've come across #1000, she likes to win all the races).
So although I went in thinking, I'm just gonna do my best and try to keep up..I changed my attitude into, "Hell, these races don't come often... I paid $35 not to run mediocre.. It's only a little over 3 miles.. It's not gonna kill me to do better than my best... "
The first mile... always KILLS me. I can't explain that love/hate relationship I have with Mile one. I don't think I've ever started a run thinking.. Oh yeah I love it! Nope. It's always, "what the heck am I doing.. this hurts.. oh gosh it's freezing.. oh my feet are killing me already... " So I dub the first mile to be my official "warm-up". It will never be a friendly mile that will put a smile on my face.. But catch me at mile 4-5 and I'm as happy as can be.
My focus was every where when we started.. checking out all the other runners wearing green, to what kind of shoes they have, to how tall everyone is.. But I learned with my previous races, I have to focus on one person that is slightly ahead of me. I literally zoom in.. I find this tall lanky guy who seems to run like he's gonna fall but he was pretty quick. I focus on him always trying to catch up to him and get closer to his pace. When I start to feel my rhythm, I run next to him for a quarter mile, take a deep breath, and pass him.
On to my next focus point. I found a gal with stripe socks and tried to keep up with her, but I knew she was booking at probably 9 min/miles.. And that sent me huffing & puffing. But I passed her. Then just when I thought we were almost there, I see a sign on the ground that says 1 Mile, one more mile, we take a turn and I see a lovely hill!
Leave it to Skinny Raven to set a hill before we cross the finish line. Hills are my worst enemy, my calves & quads will attest to that.. On this hill, I literally was gasping for air. I even looked around to make sure there were people standing along the race trail to help me just in case I collapsed. That is how hard I pushed myself. The hill was a tough one for me, but I imagined my grandfather who is in critical condition as of last night, who will probably not make it.. I imagine him laying in that hospital bed fighting for another day in his 95 years of life... And I think, this pain is temporary and I pushed harder than I ever have.. (Who knew I could do that?) And at that last turn, I sprinted my butt to the finish line.. Just in time to see that I scored a new PR :)
Last week, on the 8th of March.. we had a light show in our backyard! I kept hearing the Northern LIghts were out and everyone on my FB feed was going out at 11pm in search of them.. We've been here long enough that everytime we've heard that the aurora borealis were dancing in the night sky, we did head out in search of them.. only to not find any or just a faint green light, I often wondered if it indeed was the Northern Lights..
So on this night, I headed out in just my sweatpants and a jacket (dumb) and I almost left my big camera home, thinkiing we weren't gonna find any.. Luckily, hubby said "Where's the Camera?"
We were stunned to see them the minute we got out of our driveway! BUT BUT BUT.. this dumbass photographer forgot her tripod!! ARRGHH!
BUt I got.. some.. blurry, but I got some.. And that above photo (with my son) was featured over and over again on our local news, it made their Facebook Fanpage and the news for several nights :) He's pretty stoked about being "famous". LOL
If you've ever tried to shoot the Northern Lights.. or just in the dark.. It is hard as heck!! With nothing for the camera to focus on, it makes it next to impossible to shoot anythiing.. But man, look at them behind me... just dancing the night away.
This shot, I layed on my back and looked up.. as the kids were yelling.. "Look up!!"
And here's my son.. texting like crazy.. while the lights were dancing behind him :)
I marveled at the sight of these lights shining in the sky.. It was absolultely breath taking... What an experience :)
Even though we are knee head deep in snow, the extra hour of daylight makes a big difference. You almost see the light at the end (you know the one where all the snow melts and we are basking in the sun on our lawn chairs with the grill going and the kids playing jump rope at 9pm).. Soon, I can see it :)
Lately, I've been in this "rut" where you know big changes are coming and I'm like sitting on my ass waiitng for it to come and take over.. basically, put my life on hold till I know for sure what's gonna happen. And I realize, that is not how I want to spend my days.. If change does come and we have to leave our AK home, I want to know I made the most of my days here.. So I moped around for a week. But I think I'm coming around..
I never imagined myself as an outdoorsy person.. well, don't quote me on that one.. I'm not like a full on "Sportsman Warehouse" chick.. But I never thought I'd find joy in the great outdoors.. (It partly has to do with not having a big city life, you really just get accostomed to your surroundings--adapt). But I love our daily outings with Kai. There are days, I'm not sure who is having more fun, me or the dog. And then I've discovered (last year) the joy of trail-running. It's not a run I'd do on my own, I'm too much of a "fraidy-cat" to try and fend off wild life on my own.. so when the oppurtunity comes when I can run outdoors with a friend, I will take it. So today, the first day of Springing Forward, I laced up my running shoes and headed to the "unknown" with my good running friend, Rebecca :)
We had this narrow path to run on with deep snow on either side, we were surrounded by the sound of vast trees echoing with the wind and "little remains" of wilid life aka moose poop all along the trail.. and of course on our start of our run, we come across a family of moose just hanging out.. we quickly passed them but on our way back, they were right on the trail.. After flying down hill, we realized, we needed to go back "up hill" and find another route back to our car... Ah the joys of running in the wild life.. But the view.. It's all worth it at the end, when your legs are burning and your quads are killing you :)
People come into your life for a reason, don't they? Rebecca introduced me to a whole new world when she took me on my first trail run last year at the Kincaid Park for my first ever, Tuesday Night Runs.. To this day, whenever I find myself down in the dumps.. I always smile at my first experience of a trail run, in one of the hardest courses (hilly) Kincaid Park.. I just remember climbing up and down my first hills with her, splashing through mud, feeling that brisk 45 degree evening, and looking ahead at the colors of fall.. It was beauty and pain at it's finest. I could barely walk the next day, but every time I went up and down those stairs, I smiled.. thinking of those golden/orange leaves that burned bright against the sunset.
Fast forward, we are taking runs through snow, chilly temps, and did I say through snow :) Granted, the beginning of winter was hard on us, it got to those single digits quick and dipped well below 0 for the longest time (look at me talking like it's over).. so our winter trail runs were seldom and few..
But today.. was one of those days, that I will close my eyes and smile... What a great day to kick off our Springing Forward.. Here's to more Outdoor Runs :)
... & blue skies that make it all okay. That make you some how, (if you don't stare at the 6 ft of snow that covers your lawn) makes you forget what a "snowy" winter we've had. We are just 6 inches shy of making a record... and quite honestly, let's make that record, so all of this snow was done in vain.. ? Not sure what that meant.. but by golly I wanna say, years down the road.. "Ahh remember the winter of 2011 when we were buried in snow?"
So lately, Kai & I have been soaking up that sun (in my Northface Jacket!).. nonetheless, it is bright. And to top it off, the sun has been hanging out longer.. so long are the days of watching that sun set at 3pm! If it wasn't so "white" outside, I'd say I feel like Spring is around the corner.. (when I close my eyes). So while it's still bright out at 6pm, there is almost a hop in my step around the kitchen feeling that our longer days are here! (Then I shut the window, because it's damn cold)
*****
The other day hubby surprised me by having lunch with me (although my entire day was shifted a bit.. I had planned to watch Las Vegas while folding laundry, usually what I do around 11-12.. shhh) and we headed to our fave, Snow City
*right here, I'm a bit to intrigued by the new iPad, I never thought I would need one, let me rephrase that, want one.. but I'm starting to think I would like one :)
I devoured my Eggs Benedict (and counted my calories after)
Speaking of counting my calories.. yes I do count them with the app, Lose It. I love that app, you can scan your food in as well, as long as it has a bar code, so you don't have to search for it. It makes me a lot more aware of my eating habits (weaknesses) and it pushes me to work out because the more calories you burn, the more I can eat :) I'm not necessarily trying to lose weight, just manage it. It's all about a healthy lifestyle :)
*I love this photo of him.. despite the nosy guy behind him.. :) LOL.. My hubby hates when I take photos of him, he's always makes funny faces but here I caught him as he was talking.
Sumethin' about this man.. that has got me thinking how lucky I am lately... I know he's super busy right now, he's in a class that takes up ALL his time but he always tries his best to make sure I'm happy. When he's in "study-mode" I try to steer clear and become more independent, but I do love his company.
*****
And then there's this guy.. Love my little 4 legged baby.. There's something about him that seems to take all the troubles away. His carefree spirit, or just because everyday is a new beginning for him.. When I'm with him, I know everything will be alright. Although my heart has been heavy.. thinking when we do move, Hawaii has a stupid quarantine law! I know.. you all are tthinking, he's just a dog. Stop it right there.. cause he's not! He's my baby!!! And I just can't bear the thought of a 120 day quarantine for him!! So I am working hard to get all his bloodwork and shot records up to date so that he will only be looking at a 5 day quarantine. Still, 5 days is still too much for me.
****
Well, here's to Spring Break, it officially starts today in 15 minutes when the first kid rolls in :)
