Well it's March.
The kids are on Spring Break.
The days are longer.
It is warmer???
...and I'm Marching On.
I've never been more certain of my direction.
I'm not sure if the extra amount of daylight has "shone" me the way. Or if Nicki Minaj has a way of speaking to me..
I fly with the stars in the skies,
I am no longer trying to survive,
I believe that life is a prize,
But to live doesn't mean you're alive.
In this very moment I'm king,
In this very moment I slay, Goliath with a sling,
This very moment I bring
Put it on everything, that I will retire with the ring,
And I will retire with the crown, Yes!
No I'm not lucky I'm blessed, Yes!
Clap for the heavyweight champ, Me!
But I couldn't do it all alone, We!
You can take the girl away from the hood, but not the hood away from the girl, I guess.
I listened to this same song the entire flight from Portland to Alaska (3 hours and 48 minutes) while the tray was down and I began to write in my notebook, 7 pages deep. Who knew I had a lot to say?
Something in me changed while I was in Vegas. I will never forget walking out of that last class with Jamie Schultz with tears in my eyes, my heart racing, and that feeling... that I could touch the sky. Almost, like I felt vindicated... as if all of "this".. hard work, literally blood, sweat, & tears was more than just enjoying what I do.. but something, I seriously could do, could become, and could become successful in.
Flashbacks of how it all started.. in 2005 with my first Digital SLR, a canon 20D. I shot everything and everyone that would let me. I pushed myself to learn more, to shoot strictly in manual, read books about finding light, shooting subjects, and art appreciation classes. I was feeding that 'hunger'.. that would soon consume me.. in a good way.
2011. Nearly 6 years later. I'm on a freakin plane on my way home from a WPPI conference in Vegas, having met so many photographers, some top notch, some just like me! (Dayum) I've come so far, further than I even believed I could get. But not without my partner, my backbone, my better creative half, Paula. (LOVE YOU) But we are not where we are today, without failing, crying, growing, and learning, for sure. And not without my understanding and patient husband. I know it's not easy for him to see me chase this never ending rainbow. I'm sure he'd feel a little more secure if I found myself a 9-5 job. I'm sure my kids would appreciate having "more" stuff. And I know we hate living from paycheck to paycheck. There were times, I debated whether this "rainbow" was to far fetched and whether to just get a side job as I continued this dream.
But I left Vegas with this moment of clarity... this certainty, that I finally know.. what I want, where I'm headed, and most importantly how to get there.
This night just reminds me of everything that they deprived me of....
When Nicki said that... I just about bawled in my seat and I quickly moved from page 2-6 in 5 minutes. This could be that driving force behind my strong will to get what I desire.
I didn't grow up believing that I could touch the sky.
My parents taught me hard work pays off, but dreams.. were just for dreamers.
And having a kid straight outta highschool at 17... well, maybe they just thought, "Kiss your dreams goodbye, sweetie, cause all you will be for the next 18 years is a mother.."
And you know what.. that was my mentality for the longest time (that kid is getting ready to graduate highschool in 2 years)... with that said (as I cut off from what could be a lengthy post but my computer is saying it's got 30% power left and it is almost 1am). I continue to stay home with my children and become the best mother I can be.. But this mama has dreams, aspirations, and goals.. and she is gonna continue to chase that rainbow. I just hope my kids will know, that I not only did this for me.. but for them too. To let them know, that no dream is to big for them to chase. If anything, I want them to be a go-getter like their mama.
This is my moment,
I waited all my life I can tell its time
drifting away I'm one with the sunsets,
I have become alive.