Don't let this "smile" fool you... there is lots of worry & pain beneath it all.
Sometimes I find that it is harder to try and go about your day.. as if there is nothing to worry about. so I put my front. The "Mommy" front. The "wife" front. The "Friend" front. The "business" front. But beneath it all.. this woman is cracking from the bottom up. I knew it was coming.. I sat in that exam room, cold, half naked, empty, helpless as she shut the door... I trembled and before I knew it, I was sobbing like a helpless soul. Wiping the tears, I told myself, "Get Up, put your clothes on, put your shoes on, Take it one day at a time..."
Easier said than done.
I spent the rest of the day in bed under my sheets as her words echoed through my head.
- CIN I: Mild dysplasia; abnormal cells can be found in 1/3 of the lining of the cervix
- CIN II: Moderate dysplasia; abnormal cells can be found in 2/3 of the lining of the cervix
- CIN III: Severe dysplasia; abnormal cells can be found in more than 2/3 of the lining of the cervix and up to the full thickness of the lining
So many medical jargon I tried to take on in one day. But the doctor broke it down for me, in an honest way.. probably too honest. But it was all a matter of fact, no beating around the bush. "This is what you have. This what we are doing now." And in plain English.. It is what it is.
The exam and biopsy itself was... thorough. Not exactly how I like to spend my Tuesday morning.. She stopped to ask questions, to inform me constantly breaking down the medical terms and even asked if I wanted to "see" via computer what she was looking at. It was there.. in plain sight.. what looked like a very large white glob. She continued to say "It's pretty large, it's very thick, and looks like it's been in your uterus lining for a while." And I thought.. "The one year I missed my pap appointment!"
She sat me up.
She held my hands.
She looked in to my eyes.
She said, let's get through this first. I will call you when you get back from your vacation. And we will take the next step. She squeezed my hands.. and said "Sounds like you have three beautiful kids... It's summer in Alaska.. Your on your way to Hawaii.. enjoy yourself!"
I got myself together, laced my shoes up, walked out of that hospital and thought... "This too shall pass..." I swear, it was like a whisper through the trees.. I knew He was trying to talk to me.
If I could freeze a moment in time.. It would be those times when my oldest son and I are talking.
He knew what today was, most of all he knew I needed the extra kiss on the cheek and that extra hug!
The minute he walked in, he came to the room, and hugged me so tight, I had to look up at the light... He wanted to know everything and there really was no keeping anything from him. And he always finds a way to make me laugh. I told him I needed to get out of the house... and he said "You should let me drive! After all the trauma your vagina has been through today you may not be able to drive" Knuckle-Head!
So.. seriously.. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for the sweet emails.. the "surprise" messages too :) I appreciate them all. I tend to "shelter" myself from the world when it comes to anything that is remotely serious.. If you call, I'll always say "I'm good, things are good.." I'm not one to vent in person.. but I will sob all about here in my online journal.. strange? But I think this blog has been around long enough to know the ins & outs of my life in the past 6 years. This is just a part of it all, my life.
Listening to Hawaiian Music so you must open a new tab and click HERE to get into a cheery mood. Trust me, it's the only way to get the full effect :)
This is Wednesday at the Barut Ohana.
Don't mind the overblown shots that were not compused perfectly... I just wanted to shoot :)
Daddy is home.. finally. He's been working some "long" hours, everyone needs him, everyone calls him, and he's got so much on his plate.. but he still brings me home a venti iced americano :) Love him.. mad love.
I've grilled everyday now.. LOVE it.
Love me some Spring Mix Salad with White Balsamic and Grilled Chicken Breast!
Long walks with the girls.. this was at almost 9pm btw :)
Love this shot, from the overblown skies, to the shadow and all.
Clear Skies.. to help clear the mind :)
Lil' Ms. Pouty... Daddy pushed her "too high" on the swing and she's "mad" I think that's the root of her middle name, "MADison.. always MAD :)
Oh look.. another shot of Lil' Ms. Pouty.. but don't you love those sunrays shining down?? I swear I didn't photoshop that one in..
Enjoying Life.. one day at a time... and some sunflare too :) Yes I realize it's as bright as can be and I am wearing sweats :) It is still cold :)
Mr. Show Off! He said I couldn't do it!
In YO' Face..
Now only if my 5th grade teacher could see me now!
We are just enjoying the great outdoors this time of year. We don't get it often so everyone and their neighbors are out too!
Out of no where, he yelled from the bottom of the stairs, "You're the coolest mom!" "That's right," I thought. I'll take the compliment and run with it.
The other day, Rudy and I had dinner together and brought Caelan with, mainly cause he wanted to drive. But it was nice.. just the three of us. Something we rarely get to do. I know he's only a Sophomore in highschool.. but I don't think it's to early to say.. "Rudy and I have done a great job" raising this guy. I always think if he's gonna stray from what we've taught him, he would've done it by now. Not to say, he won't do things that will disappoint or upset us, I'm sure we are up for some surprises.. but for the most part, he's a good kid.
The other day, he came home from school as I laid in my bed with Kai... and he laid with us and just wanted to talk.. about his day, about his grades, and about Abby. He loves me. I thought as he fiddled in bed and looked over at me. He asked about my day, he asked if I was scared, but most importantly, he wanted to know he was thinking of me. I almost cried.
Lately the weekends are filled with "Can Abby come over?" He's got a girlfriend. I get it, we all did at this age. In fact, I ended up marrying my high-school sweetheart. But no comparisson here, because I think he's got his future planned out a lot better than we did. Especially when "fun" to them is seeing who gets the better test score in Chemsitry. We have a pretty strict rule in the house as does her family... I think we are more so "on-it" than our parents were, because we are "afraid" of what could happen. Mainly because it happened to us. But I think because he's seen what "being a teenage parent" can do to a person/couple.. But most importantly, we get involved with them.. probably too involved. But when we were growing up I don't remember my parents going on bike rides or races with me and my boyfriend. But we do.. and you know what, they enjoy it.
I'll take the sweet words of my 16 year old of being cool anyday. Although I'm sure he'd rather I not, show him the "running man" or rock out to 104.9 with Bel Biv Devoe... according to him, that's not cool. But as a parent.. even though you think "sticking your nose all up in their business" is not cool, you're wrong. Get to know their friends, what's on their FB, their classes, their teachers, or their interests. Stay involved.. things don't end, the minute they don't want you to drop them off to school anymore. (Like photo above) Get involved and in their photos! :)
Glimpses of my Mother's Day will not include any photo of me :)
I literally stayed in my sweats till.. well till it was time to change into my PJ's :) I never knew I could be so lazy! (Like this song: Lazy Song) It was a much needed relaxing day. We did have a fun-filled weekend where I constantly felt like I was running from one thing to the next. Well, literally... I did another 5K, it was more of a fun Pet Run... So I ran with Kai.
But I love these little tid-bits that Izzy tried to hide from me all weekend.
Hubby made my favorite, waffles :)
And I loved this little book that Izzy made me.. my 2 favorite pages :)
I just love the way she "sees" me, it really warmed my heart.
I am stuffed beyond stuffed.. Oy!
And all I wanted to do today... was scrapbook? Something tells me I need my dose of scrappin'.
I have a lot on my mind...
I'd like to say I'm 80% cheery, positive, and upbeat and 20% worried and nervous.. But it's more like the other way. The thing is.. I worry. Often more so than I should. I'm the type of person that will "make a mountain out of a molehill". (Had to google that saying by the way, cause I knew it was something like that). And that's the other thing.. "Google" Oh it screams "Look this up, Look that up.." And no matter what you search, your always expecting the worst of the worst.. right? Is it just me? But I admit, I'm neurotic, beyond the word itself. My mind plays tricks on me...
The hardest part of any "unepxected" news.. is the waiting. Oh the waiting game, is no fun. I'd like to say I'm the most patient person I know. I mean seriously.. I was in line at the shopette for just a drink today and the lady in front of me bought a wine in a box that didn't scan. So you know they have to call the guy and the guy doesn't know.. so they're enterning UPC codes that don't exist in the machine.. etc, etc. And I'm cool, I'm smiling.. The lady with the wine box, looks over at this now long line and says "Oh I feel bad, I'm sorry.." I smile, and say "That's okay".. but this snarky lady behind me.. who kept saying stuff under her breath like "Oh geez, Oh serious? Oh gosh, Come on!" She said "She better be sorry!" And I look over and think.. "Seriously.. can't you just be paitient?" But really I am.. a pateint person.. I mean I did housetrain my puppy, right?
But lately I find myself pacing..if I allow my mind to drift even for a minute... my mind will wander.
So what do I do? I'm keeping busy as busy can be. One day I cleaned my entire house, washed bed sheets, and cleaned the bathrooms (at 11pm). So I clean when I'm stressed, LOL! Who doesn't?
So.. I'm here.. just not all here.. I'm sure I'll be bombarded with Doctor visits in the next few weeks to make sure I'm in the clear. But for now.. this game of Waiting is no fun.
You had to zoom in for that one! Geesh! Camera man! Next time, I'm gonna wear a bright colored shirt or run really fast with the Kenyans.. but I can't run 6min/miles.. so that won't happen. And hubby informed me, I need to be running where the camera man is standing. :) Fully Noted.
Running has been a great release for me. It's always been.. somedays I just forget how good it feels... to just keep going forward. Last week I ran almost 8 miles and let my mind drift...It's just what I needed. Crazy, huh?
Last week's 5K Heart Run, was my best (compared to the 4 other races).. Running 9+min/miles, who would've thought? And the thing is.. I know I did good, by completing it in 28 minutes, but like most things I'm passionate about, it simply wasn't good enough! I left that race, hungry for more. Longer perhaps? Faster even? This is just the beginning.
Is 19 days away. Nuff' said.
And I'm just gonna go for it.. I made an appointment next week or the week after that? To cut my hair even more! Going for something like this:
OR like Pink.. what the heck right?
Whatever it is.. it will be liberating.. I'm ready and plus it's 80+ degrees in Hawaii!!
Maybe next time, I'll actually have my own photos to share :)
It's already been a busy day with a much needed trip to Jiffy Lube, grocery store, and other errands.
Izzy is still sick, poor girl.
But the sun was beaming and we could not help but to stay outdoors. We headed out for a bike ride with the dog, and Caelan and his girlfriend, Abby.
Poor Kai.. he is definitely not known for running long distances.. but he kept up despite all the distractions of the other dogs.
While biking we read the news of Bin Laden's death. Good news. Does this stop terrorism? Unfortunately, No.
And leave it to me.. I'm the "mom" who washes/wipes his paws before he comes in and gives him a bath every time we visit the dog park. Poor dog, he never stood a chance with dirt and grime, when I decided to bring him home.
I'd really love to write more.. but I'm done, exhausted as can be. Monday is just mere hours away.. and I'm so NOT ready.