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June 2011

Hello & Thank You.

Hello there.
I just really want to THANK YOU! You know who you are... for the emails, phone calls, FB messages... for the thoughtfulness and simple act of kindness.. it has meant more to me than you guys will ever know. There's so many "sweet" and thoughtful people out there.. from close friends, to family, to people I've never even met in person, and to people that have come into my life, left, only to be heard from again... You guys are all amazing. May God bless you guys tenfold for all the joy you have brought in my life.


I walked into the shoppette, smiling till my cheeks hurt. It's funny how a smile is contagious..
The clerk looks over at me... and he says "Good Afternoon!"
I perk up and replied right away, "Good afternoon to you too!"
He turned, to look at me, almost surprised.. that someone replied to him. Not just in a melancholy way.. but in a way, where I meant every word! He continue to says, "Well, I see that this cloudy day didn't get you down!"
I guess he's heard enough complaints about the weather in Alaska.
I cheerfully replied, "Hey everyday is a good day, when you are blessed to wake up to a new day!"
He smiled, as if I just reminded him.. that life is good.

(15 minutes earlier.)

The hospital door swung open, I walked out of there with my head held high, my phone already dialing my husband's work place, and the feeling like I was moving onward. On this cloudy & cold day.. it was all good. I recieved good news of my health situation. It may just be the beginning of a long journey.. but for now, today, I had good news, and I will take that.. and run with it.

"Well, Mrs. Barut, we've got good news, we were able to remove the area that we were concerned about. And we also removed an even larger area surrounding the tissues and it looks good. The diagnosis was that the cells were in "carcinoma in situ". We would strongly suggest you follow up, in 2 weeks and then every 3 months thereafter."

I smiled. I can do that, I said. I don't mind coming back.


I know that a long journey lies ahead of me..and I'd like to believe the worst is now over.. but the truth is, this is the beginning of learning how to care for myself, and to put myself first, which I am guilty of not doing. So since starting this post on LAST Monday.. I've been doing just that... taking care of myself. I started with some major stress releasers.. running.

I wish I could sit and explain to you how a 6 mile run makes me feel so damn good. But until you get that feeling of elation while subjecting your feet, your body, your mind, and soul to long distance running.. I don't think I could even start explaining it. Now granted I didn't just jump back into running. There was a lot of walking/jogging/walking/running/ and walking again.


My new motivation comes just started to run with me, my son. I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for this day!


And a haircut always makes me feel better.. I just keep going shorter and shorter!


I'm starting to feel like myself again... and slowly getting everything else together. I finally made a menu for this week. Most importantly I finally have a plan (well so far).
I'm hoping to get back into the blog world. But for now, taking it one day at a time.


...because I can


We woke up one morning and it was cloudy and a bit rainy on our side of the island. I thought that would be a great day for the Koko head hike up the "Stariway to Heaven" ... Of course when we got there, it was sunny, hot, and right at high noon.  I wasn't gonna turn back. I'm not gonna lie, those stairs, the elevation, the hike.. was all intimadating. But I wanted to do it.... for me. It was more than just climbing a bunch of stairs going up 1200 ft, literally straight up once you reach half way...  But for me, it was because, right at that very moment, I was capable and healthy enough to do it. That day felt victorious to me. Later that day, my brother asked why I would do such a thing.. my answer was "because I can".

You see, when you take away the little things.. like the ability to walk up those steps.. things mean so much more to you.

I am currently in recovery from my surgery... and you know what.. it sucks.
I learned quickly enough, I'm not quick to heal, some people are... but not me.
Within just a few days, I thought I could get up and get going again.. only to find a few set backs, and a cervix that simply won't heal. So I often, think of those stairs, the hike, that crazy steep hike all the way to the top.. and I if I could do it all over again, I would.




*Rudy, Me, and our cousin, Lowen made it to the top.. Ethan decided to turn around half way through

Lately my days and nights have just been rolling into one another. Not sure where one ends and where the other begins. My mind could quite be comparable to a deep fog at the moment. But my kids have become my pillar of strength.. they continue to make me laugh,

I don't think I've qutie digested all that I'm going through. I flew back from my paradise trip to be hit, big time, with reality. And I feel well enough to do a few photoshoots in between.. which has been great for helping me get my mind of things. But no matter how many things I put on my plate.. it's still there. The unknown.

I'm hoping to get on some sort of routine.. even though it is summer...    

That Happy Place

I clenched his fists till his fingers turned white, as I gritted my teeth, the tears began to roll down my face, as I the pain seeped through my body. I closed my eyes and desperately tried to find a "Happy Place" that I could escape too. Fragments of simple moments popped in my head, but these little snippets define me and what makes my life complete. None of which were measured by materialistic things or anything you could even buy.

The sound of my kids laughter echoed through my head, as I imagined them chasing the waves from one of the many beaches in Hawaii.


Out of no where, my son hugs me so tightly as I tried to heat up a slice of pizza, and started crying uncontrollably saying how scared he was. Out of all the times I felt weak, I held him, and felt stronger than ever. Knowing the only way to get through it all, is to stare into my children's faces... and fight. "I'm a fighter," I told him. "and I will always be..." That night, I truly felt like I was gonna win this battle instead of just saying it.

The sound of my beautiful niece, Audrey.. saying "Aww.. I'm gonna miss you.."  as I told her I was leaving to go home. Kids have the innocence of honesty.. and in just a short 2 weeks, I've grown so attach to my nieces who I haven't seen in four years. To hear them call me "Aunty Ronalyn.." made my heart melt each time!



He looked down at me, trying to hold his tears.. his eyes said it all. "I love you, you are strong, you are doing a great job..." I love this man, with ever fiber in my being.

Visions of me running through my favorite path danced through my head.. I saw the trees, heard the puffs of my breath, felt each stride of my foot touching the ground. I felt the wind against my face. I felt strong and in control... Running, is my great escape. It's become more than a sport or more than timed runs. It's all about me, finding my inner strength knowing I can do anything I set my mind to.


It's amazing how your perspective on life shifts when you know, your life is being challenged by things that you don't have control over. During my 2 weeks in Hawaii, I received a call on Day 3 of some not so great news on my biopsy done a few days before leaving. The nurse hesitated to say too much and opt to have the Dr talk to me instead. She really wanted to set something the minute I came home. And I literally had to go to the doctor the day I returned. But I made each day count. I did things with the family, I never thought I would do.. like get on water rides (eep) and the zip line! Fear turned into"what the heck you only live once.."


Our Hawaii trip went by quick, I felt like we were always on the go :) I will have more photos and stories to share.. so hang on :) For now, I'm enjoying the comfort of the sofa and video after video.