See You Later..

Lord knows, I hate "good-byes"... I've learned to not say good-bye after being away from home for almost 17 years. We always say, "See You Later..."

I think with each "see you later" my heart breaks a little more and I seal it up with a thicker shield than the last time. Over time, this wall I've built to try and hide the pain I really feel.. makes me some what numb to the fact that the only place I wanna be is with my family back home. Living so far from my family is so hard.. not being able to share holidays, birthdays, or even a normal day with them is heartbreaking. I am so envious of people here who have family near by, where they can stop by their mom's house for a quick dinner or to say hi. Or when I hear of family gatherings for a Thanksgiving Dinner, always makes this hole in my heart bigger.

Funny how I tried to avoid going back home.. I call it denial and fear of witnessing the sheer reality of it all.. I figured, if I stayed away it won't hurt as much. But my hubby knows me best and sent me on my way. I flew in with the notion that "Things will be okay.. no matter how bad it is.. things will be okay."

Until I was faced with the doctors, the endless paperwork of lab tests, CT scans, xrays... you name it, my mother had it all done. in hopes that there will be an answer or even a cure for this growing disease.. but at the end of the day, there isn't.  I think that's when it hit me... This cancer will kill her and all we are doing is prolonging her life, but it will never go away, not at this poiint, anyway.

As I sit here drowning in my tears with that aching pain of missing her..
I know she will continue to fight.

As for me, I will continue to fight for her.. to be with her again, to take care of her.  Moving back home is in the works and I realize the kind of sacrifices my family will be making, especially my children and husband's career, but this is the least I could do for her. For the woman who has made many sacrifices for me to be the kind of woman/mother I am today. 

There is so much more to be said about my 10 days back home.. I have an entire notebook filled with my day to day thoughts.. for now, I'm just trying to adjust being back home...

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[adrienne]

Praying for you all ((((HUGS))))