There's only so much of the word STRONG I can be.. for now.
For now, I will let the pain sear through my heart and I will let it get the best of me.
The only time I stop crying, is when I finally fall asleep and my eyes are to swollen, they shut by themselves.
I will expect the worst and prepare for the worst.
When someone asks me How are you doing? I will say, I’m Not fine.
I won’t sugar coat my feelings. I’ll keep that wound raw and open.
I’ll let myself feel the pain of learning to let you go.
I will feel remorse for having left you.
I’ll scream to the top of my lungs, “I Hate You Cancer..”
I wrote that while I sat in the airport waiting for my flight back home. It's been 3 days and I have my "strong" days and "not so strong days". Her doctor called yesterday, she asked if I had any questions and I said, "No.." I told her what I've been trying to tell myself since my brother called a few weeks ago about her ailing condition. I said, "I clearly see the gravity of the situation, I understand what's going on, that we are simply here to keep her comfortable till she leaves us..."
I said that in the most disconnected and toneless voice as if, I knew what she wanted to hear. But in reality I wanted to shout to the top of my lungs.. "Fix her, I want you to make her better, Why won't you fix her!!!?"
Then I look over at my mom who tries to open her eyes. And I begin to say, "I just don't understand how it happeend so quickly, what if..."
And I stopped right there.. There I go again with the What Ifs.. What if we did this earlier, what if we go back and see what else we can do, What if..What if..
I sulked in my own tears..
What if .. I never left when I was 17
What if... I lived here all that time, I could've helped her more.
What if... I stayed longer when I visited just a few months ago.
It's clear that when time pushes you to the edge of no turning back, you are begging for more time.
More time to do the things we never go to do.
More time to say everything I wanted to say.
More time for her to see the rest of the family.
More time... with her.
Today is Sunday April 1 and my mom has been in this coma-like/unresponsive state for over 24 hours. She has not able to drink, to eat, sit up, communicate.. Family has been in and out to sit by her side and talk with her. Her hospice came over to check on her, there's not much they can do.
So we all sit around her... and wait... hoping for more time...