We no longer have a home... This past week felt like months.. and the worst part of moving is over.
Although the chaos is over... My heart can't get over the fact that I'm leaving. For a while it didn't seem lilke it was happening, then I stepped into an empty house... and I just started bawling.
As I walked around the empty home.. My mind replayed moments that once happened here or there, most of which were happy moments.
I can't believe nearly 8 years of memories lay in this single home. All good memories, good times, and moments that I will never forget. Even though we turned in the keys and we're moving on... My heart will always be here in Mathies Court.
But on the day of my mother's funeral, the room was filled with people who knew her & loved her.
For someone who loves to talk.. to constantly share her thoughts and feelings.. This time, I don't know even know how to begin. The thought of shutting down this blog occurred to me as I felt like shutting myself out of this world.
But that's not who I am. Sure, I may "shut-down" as I often do whenever something bigger than my own understanding happens. But I always find my way out of it... and more times than often, I can't do it on my own.
I have continued to find comfort in the love of family, friends, and most important, the love of God, my ultimate comforter and healer. This song sums up where I am right now in my life:
This line gets to me every.single.time:
Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through
I still feel "lost".. maybe because there is a part of me that's searching for answers that will help me understand. I walk around with my head held high, but I'm literally broken inside. I ache to hear her voice one more time. My heart yearns to be with my brother.
I know what I need in my life, it's never been more evident. And that is why I am so grateful that God has chosen a new path for us...
This is My Brother, Ronald.
We've never really had a relationship.. Early on in my life.. just when he started to find the right path, I left home to find my own way and raise my family. Since I left nearly 17 years ago, he has been the sole care giver for all the elderly people in that home. He's taken care of, till their dying day.. my grandmother, my father, and most recently my grandfather and our mother. I admire him for that.. as most of you know, it is probalby one of the hardest thing to do, to take care of an elderly person. For over a decade, he has unselfishly given most of his life to make sure everyone around him is taken care of.
Now I'm not gonna wait for the next 10 years to build a relationship with him. If there was anything I learned from these past few weeks... is that, time waits for no one and to make the most of the time that's given to us, each and everyday. Simple concept. One that everyone hears over and over again. But it never really means anything... till you are hanging on to the final seconds of life.
Although I love.. LOVE Alaska, it will always be my second home. Always. My heart is telling me to be with family back in Hawaii. My brother and his wife, Maggie. My sister in law, Wonnie and her hubby, Erick and the kids... they are all there.
When my mom was able to talk to me in the short few days I was there. She constantly asked me to take care of my brother. Ironic, that the little sister has come home to take care of her big brother. But that's the way it has always been.
With that said. My family and I have decided to move back to Hawaii.
Things will happen very quickly.. and we are expected to be out of this house by the end of the month.. in a few short weeks.
I will remain in Alaska till the first week of July, living with my girl, Paula.. hanging on to each day. But I don't leave with a heavy heart.. I know I made the most of my time here in Alaska (nearly 8 years) .. even with our extension, we grew to love this place and it will always be our second home... Although this is heartbreaking for my family and friends, I look forward to what God has planted before us.. a chance to be home with family.
I will try to update as much as I can to share this new journey for my family and I.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.