Back & Forth...

I Miss Him... EVERYDAY

Not a day goes by.. and I literally mean it... NOT a day goes by, that I don't stop and think about him..

My son. My firstborn.

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Some days the pain of missing him is subtle, where I'll smile and say "That's something my son would say."
Then there are days, I cannot even stop myself from crying. All the meanwhile, wondering where did time go. I can't even begin to explain what it's like to leave a piece of your heart behind and trust this world we live in that he will be okay. There is constant worry, an endless pit of emptiness, and a persistent yearning to see him again and make this distance be non existent.

Then there are days, I realize that I know I did everything I could as a stay at home mother for 19 years. He grew up with me, I experienced life with him, and he was my constant in this ever changing world. Every decision I've ever made, was for him and his siblings. There is nothing in this world I would not do for him, and letting him go, watching him grow up is not an exception. Although it hurts, I have never been so proud of him.

As I stopped at a stoplight on my way home, I watched a mother rush her child to the field for a soccer game and I thought, I was there for every game, every band performance, every prom or dance, every tear, every accomplishment, and that one time I ran out and yelled at some kids who thought it was cool to call my son names. I watched him fall and pick himself back up, I stood back and trusted him to make good choices, I embraced his girlfriend with open arms and now I'm loving him from afar, knowing "he's got this!"

So when I begin to miss him, I will scroll through his snap chats and laugh at his humor and smile knowing, he's everything I have hoped he would be and more. I am a proud mama a thousand miles away.


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