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March 2018

April 2018

Selfies, State of Mind and Body Diversity.

Turn that phone and on and take that selfie girl, cause you are gorgeous! 

Today, I held my head up high, rocked my blue/green dress that showed enough legs, looking extra sexy with my heels on (and that glitter lotion helped too)... oh and don't even get me started on how good my hair looked today! I walked like "Dura" by Daddy Yankee was on repeat (in my head) shaking what my mama gave me. On this Monday, I felt all together. I felt like a strong, powerful woman who simply had my shit together.

What's the difference between this Monday and any other day? Simple, my state of mind. I didn't miraculously loose 10 pounds or visit the salon, in fact, I was the same person (physically) that I was last month before I set out to challenge myself in this 30 Day Challenge. What this challenge has taught me or what it has led me to see is that:

  • A woman's relationship with her body is the most important she'll ever have.
    This isn't selfish, it's a fact. Our bodies are literally the vehicle for being - for giving, for loving, for moving, for feeling. If it doesn't work, nothing else in our life will. Learning to love our bodies and to possess a positive self image gives way for us to love others.
  • You should carve your own niche. 
    Find joy in your own reflection, instead of obsessing about a body that society thinks you should have, discover how you can feel better living in the one you have. 
  • Break down the self-destructive cycle of unrealistic expectations. 
    Instead of hating your body, make peace with it. Choose to love and honor your body. 

In these few weeks I've learned to rediscover how marvelous it is to simply move, dance, run, walk, play, and embrace all of me. I went out and even bought larger (cute) clothing because I want to feel comfortable in my skin and stop to obsessing how I can't fit into this or that. Since I've learned to embrace the idea of body diversity, I've reconnected with who I am both in and out and in turn, I find myself wanting to go out and go for a run, make healthier choices, breathe out stress and negativity and breathe in oxygen and positive energy. 

So.. embrace your inner badass, love and honor your body and carve your own niche! 

Just Effin' Do It.

 It's the The "I Just ran 13.1 Miles" to the "Gym-Rat" to "Desk-Life".

There's gotta be way to find balance and have it all, right?

 I've been trying to convince myself for the past say... weeks months year to hop on that "workout wagon" and none of this on-off bullshit! But with zero effort, I've lost count of my short comings and I'm sure the gym is loving my monthly donation. I've over used the excuse of "right now, things are just so crazy.." Then when I started a new job, I kept telling myself that "once I get used to this new schedule and develop some sort of routine, then I'll start.." Well, I started my new job in January (hmph). If I don't have a routine by now, I never will. 

So as I scrolled through IG, feeling both inspired + envious at all the work-out gurus I still follow (and hungry cause you know I follow a lot of food enthusiasts, that's not the point). I came across a gal who I literally fell in LOVE with. Like honestly, if I saw in her a crowd I'd probably follow her like a puppy dog, wanting to just be around her aura. Her approach towards fitness and her zest for life is really inspiring. One of the most "real" fitness bloggers I've come across and she made me do a double take on myself and feel okay and validated at where I am in my life right now. Honestly, it's like that bestie you have where she tells it like it is, like "Okay girl, you are getting a little chunky-chunk and I see why you're no longer wearing those cute jeans cause that muffin top ain't no joke!" LOL! But she made me feel "Okay" with all of it and most of all she inspired me to get my azz up and just start.. just effin do it! 

She has started a #30DayWellness Challenge that you can sign up for by checking out her IG @gofitjo or check out her website HERE

My goal  in this challenge is find harmony + balance in this new chapter in my life. I no longer have the luxury of being a stay at home mom where I can drop the kids off to school and head to the gym or go on my 10 mile runs. I want to find my way back to eating more plant-based meals, enjoying home cooked meals and inspiring my family and those around me to be the best version of ourselves and to live life to the fullest. Regardless, this is a jumpstart to an fire in me that has been left unattended for a too long. 


Dear Mom...

Dear Mom, 

It's been six years since you passed, that's 2190 days without hearing your voice, the way you said my name, Rah- (pause) Naw-Lin in your ever so cheery melody as if it's a jingle you made since I was born. Lord knows, that same cheerfulness lost its tone in the days leading to your passing. Somedays, you tried to sound like your cheery self, but I knew by the hesitancy in the syllables that we've lost all hope of good news and that sheer reality of your illness was gonna take your life, a little too soon for me and all of us. 

(2012, Visiting Mom's Grave)

Some days I look in the mirror and in a swift glance, I'll see a little bit of you in me. I'll look down at my hands, my thumb (out of all things, looks just like yours). But for the most part, since I'm not back home, there's nothing here that takes me back to you. Somedays I'm afraid that I don't think of you enough, that the only time I stop what I'm doing are during holidays or birthdays or when I come across your photo. I'll sit and watch movies like "Coco" and think, hmm.. is she really up there with dad, grandma and grandpa laughing and reminiscing? 

(2008, Mom & I in my photo studio)

Six years without you hasn't been easy, I've been lost at times and other times I've used my memories of you to help me figure things out.

Some days the feeling of missing you succumbs me and I can't stop crying, wishing you were still here so you could see how far I've come. Did you know I finally graduated from college mom?! I have an awesome job and living in my dream home! (But don't look at all the dust bunnies in the corners or the laundry that hasn't been folded yet!)  How I wish you could see your not so little grandchildren now.  Caelan and Ethan are practically adults and our little Izzy, my mini-me, she's just as tall as me now! She is quite the "balasang" and you would be so proud of how Rudy and I have raised them. But most of all, I wish you could see me. I've grown so much and I've learned to appreciate this one very beautiful life. I wish you were here to see the kind of woman I am today because of you. 

(2008 Mom & Izzy, first time mom has seen snow!)

Six years without you has been so scary at times.

Some days I feel like I try to remember everything you taught me about being a Mom and other days I feel like I was robbed of so much with you. The further I get away from the day you left the easier it gets but the scarier it becomes. I find myself closer to the age you were when I lost you. I feel older and not sure how to navigate this whole thing without you by my side, without you on the other end of the phone, without you in my corner.

I try and remember all the good times, the sweet memories from the time we shared and not just the one bad day you left us. My regrets from those final days are many and sometimes they weigh me down.

Losing you I lost some of me.

I took a different path when you left me. I like to smile and think that I am where I am today because of your guidance and because I lost you.

I'm here today because of you, Mom.

Six years and forever to go of missing you but every now and then, I'll dream about you and in that little moment between the dreams and reality, I get to see you and hear you. 


Your Annako,