Everyday Epiphanies

Seeking Growth.

The more I get to "Know Thyself" by reconstructing the values in my life that make me happy or feel at peace. I ask myself:

• What values will make you happy?
• What activities do I find great passion in that bring me pure joy?
• What kinds of activities, experiences, and people cause me to feel deeply engaged or connected?

Having answered these questions, I began to do a bit of excavating into my life and how I want to spend the rest of my days. Moments of epiphany sit with me as I find a greater purpose and clarity. I begin to feel the alignment between what I value in my life versus what leaves me depleted with negative energy at the end of the day. This realization has given me a sense of balance and contentment to the point where I know what kind of "vibe" I want to allow in my day to day and to choose wisely who I surround myself with. 

Unfortunately, it gets harder before it gets easier. Outgrowing people, places and jobs are uncomfortable. I'll take little steps to place what gives me peace and makes me happy above the things that do not by removing people, things, and places that bring me negative energy.  Sometimes it feels like I'm giving up, but it's about self-care and choosing to reduce the weight of the unhealthy values and placing greater weight on the side of the scale that holds your new values. 

I will continue to push through the growing pains. The need to please, prove, or perform will be replaced with self-inspired experiences that finally feel right to me. I think it's easy to do as we are told, to not ruffle any feathers, and live this clear-cut life. But life is unfolding the way it should be, things happen for a reason, and sometimes seeking growth will be painful. 

 

 

2022 Know Thyself

New word.
New Year.
New Intention.
When contemplating my word for the year, the word "Self" kept coming to me. 

Self-Discovery, Self-Awareness, Self-Love, Self-Appreciation...

At the end of 2021, I slowly tried to dive in and turn inwards. I strived to become less reactionary and learned to pause, to sit in silence, and reassess. In doing so, it has helped me stand back from a situation and ask myself, "Am I just leaning into old habits, or is there something to learn and how do I move forward? That has taught me how to shift my energy and place it into things that matter the most. This year will be about turning inward and the journey to self-actualization. (self-awareness, self-love, self-truth). Being mindful, being present, being me.

Knowing yourself and turning inward is all about cultivating a relationship with yourself. It is about becoming strong and resilient in these changing times and unchartered territories. It is time to examine how we carry ourselves out into the world and what we react to. Inward is the place of improved active listening when others communicate and when they don’t articulate. Inward is also the person with whom you will have the longest relationship on this earth. Why not treat her well?

I've been loving Reels on IG and had to jump on the trending 2021 Recap Reel:

 

 

Pandemic, Painting, & Pandemonium.

January 2022 came roaring in nothing short of pandemic fashion! I had a January 2022 draft saved with the intention of sharing my word of the year and what it means to me, which I will get to. But as per pandemic life, shit happens and I am trying to sit in silence allowing for clarity and reasoning. 

For now, some quotes are sitting heavy with me at the moment:

• Sometimes starting again is the win you've been waiting on.
• Never lose your sense of worth because others have failed to see it.
  There are so many people you've yet to meet that will appreciate you.
• May you find the courage to let go of whatever you need to release and the boldness to pursue what will give you life.

For now, I'm turning towards my creative being to find that solitude that my mind longs for. I am completely inspired by the many artists on Instagram, mimicking styles, techniques, and finding what feels right. I've learned that it's rare to be able to create your own style right off the bat, even after you’ve looked at other works. It helps to try to imitate an artist you love, so you can find out in the process just what’s going on — you begin to think like they do, to see things through their eyes.

“You don’t want to look like your heroes, you want to see like your heroes.”— Austin Kleon

• 
• 
• 
• 

 

I'm realizing it's not so much something I create, but something I uncover and cultivate along the way. It’s embedded in the process, and that includes all the detours and apparent mistakes, quite like our path in this thing called life.

Live In The Moment.

"Living your life consciously and being aware that each moment you breathe is a gift is how to live in the moment."

This is my ideal Friday night, clocking out for the weekend and heading home to my hubby, the dogs, and the kids is the best feeling!

The idea of “Living In the Moment” has inspired a lot of motivational posters and T-shirts but how do you begin to fully adapt this concept to your daily humdrum life? For me living in the moment takes practice, learning to focus, and manage my energy to the present moment is a constant struggle. The toughest challenge was learning to quiet the mind. I started with getting rid of one of my biggest distractions, my iPhone. I found myself glued to my phone. It was on while I ate, in the bathroom, and as I sat and watched TV. Don't get me wrong, I haven't completely unplugged, but I am definitely conscious of when I am using it.

While learning to be in the moment, I've been more aware of my surroundings. I love "unplugging" and sitting outside on my patio enjoying the sound of the birds in the distance and the rustling of the wind through the trees. I've come to find little moments that make my heart happy. Once, while walking through the Saturday market, a man was playing music and yelled over to a gentleman complimenting his smile and reminding people to live in gratitude. 

Learning to live in gratitude has been key. I awake with a thankful heart even on the days when it's tough to get up. The simple joy of being able to get out of bed and get ready for a job I enjoy is more than enough to be thankful for. There were days I often worried or wondered how we'd make it to the next payday, I never stopped being grateful for what we currently have.

"With a heart full of gratitude of mind full of peace, it's how should live and how you should be.." - Londrelle

 

Cosmic Energy In Full Force

*08.10.2021 @ 8:40pm

I can still feel the cosmic energy from our New Moon of our 8.8 Lion's Gate Portal. I feel like I've unraveled another layer of "me" that I have just discovered, feeling more myself than ever before, and it sparked energy in me to reset or restart. My awareness of self (more on this later) is on a deeper level as I navigate through old wounds, patterns, which can be uncomfortable but necessary in growth. My dreams have been vivid and just like the Lion's Gate portal, these dreams seem to be a portal through symbolism, past lives, and gentle reminders. 

Changing, Evolving & Growing are all part of moving forward. I know that growth cannot exist without releasing old thoughts, behaviors, and habits. I've stepped back and closed doors in order to focus on myself and it's been the best decision to finally create the space I need for "me."

Evolve Or Repeat.

Evolve Or Repeat.

It’s all about the work for me:

• Turning inwards and recognizing old patterns
• Acknowledging your flaws & fears and being gentle with them.
• The commitment to honor yourself and you are becoming
• Speaking and standing with your truth, unapologetically.

The discovery of self is ongoing, it's been so incredibly empowering, heart-opening, and soul-shattering to really recognize the childhood traumas that I’ve conditioned myself to avoid. The silencing, the reservation, the people-pleasing. To understand why I’m such a woman’s woman, why I’m reserved and solid in my being, why I’m protective and motherly, why I can be so stubborn and hide being humorous and giving and why I have no fucking clue how to receive.

If I've learned anything these past few years is that, stepping into yourself is such a vital key to becoming a better version of yourself. 

So join me on this journey we call life, the discovery of self, shedding the old, unraveling childhood traumas,  speaking and standing firm in our truth. 

 

Selfies, State of Mind and Body Diversity.

Turn that phone and on and take that selfie girl, cause you are gorgeous! 

• 
• 

Today, I held my head up high, rocked my blue/green dress that showed enough legs, looking extra sexy with my heels on (and that glitter lotion helped too)... oh and don't even get me started on how good my hair looked today! I walked like "Dura" by Daddy Yankee was on repeat (in my head) shaking what my mama gave me. On this Monday, I felt all together. I felt like a strong, powerful woman who simply had my shit together.

What's the difference between this Monday and any other day? Simple, my state of mind. I didn't miraculously loose 10 pounds or visit the salon, in fact, I was the same person (physically) that I was last month before I set out to challenge myself in this 30 Day Challenge. What this challenge has taught me or what it has led me to see is that:

• A woman's relationship with her body is the most important she'll ever have.
  This isn't selfish, it's a fact. Our bodies are literally the vehicle for being - for giving, for loving, for moving, for feeling. If it doesn't work, nothing else in our life will. Learning to love our bodies and to possess a positive self image gives way for us to love others.
• You should carve your own niche. 
  Find joy in your own reflection, instead of obsessing about a body that society thinks you should have, discover how you can feel better living in the one you have. 
• Break down the self-destructive cycle of unrealistic expectations. 
  Instead of hating your body, make peace with it. Choose to love and honor your body. 

In these few weeks I've learned to rediscover how marvelous it is to simply move, dance, run, walk, play, and embrace all of me. I went out and even bought larger (cute) clothing because I want to feel comfortable in my skin and stop to obsessing how I can't fit into this or that. Since I've learned to embrace the idea of body diversity, I've reconnected with who I am both in and out and in turn, I find myself wanting to go out and go for a run, make healthier choices, breathe out stress and negativity and breathe in oxygen and positive energy. 

So.. embrace your inner badass, love and honor your body and carve your own niche! 

Just Effin' Do It.

• 
• 
• 

 It's the The "I Just ran 13.1 Miles" to the "Gym-Rat" to "Desk-Life".

There's gotta be way to find balance and have it all, right?

 I've been trying to convince myself for the past say... weeks months year to hop on that "workout wagon" and none of this on-off bullshit! But with zero effort, I've lost count of my short comings and I'm sure the gym is loving my monthly donation. I've over used the excuse of "right now, things are just so crazy.." Then when I started a new job, I kept telling myself that "once I get used to this new schedule and develop some sort of routine, then I'll start.." Well, I started my new job in January (hmph). If I don't have a routine by now, I never will. 

So as I scrolled through IG, feeling both inspired + envious at all the work-out gurus I still follow (and hungry cause you know I follow a lot of food enthusiasts, that's not the point). I came across a gal who I literally fell in LOVE with. Like honestly, if I saw in her a crowd I'd probably follow her like a puppy dog, wanting to just be around her aura. Her approach towards fitness and her zest for life is really inspiring. One of the most "real" fitness bloggers I've come across and she made me do a double take on myself and feel okay and validated at where I am in my life right now. Honestly, it's like that bestie you have where she tells it like it is, like "Okay girl, you are getting a little chunky-chunk and I see why you're no longer wearing those cute jeans cause that muffin top ain't no joke!" LOL! But she made me feel "Okay" with all of it and most of all she inspired me to get my azz up and just start.. just effin do it! 

She has started a #30DayWellness Challenge that you can sign up for by checking out her IG @gofitjo or check out her website HERE

My goal  in this challenge is find harmony + balance in this new chapter in my life. I no longer have the luxury of being a stay at home mom where I can drop the kids off to school and head to the gym or go on my 10 mile runs. I want to find my way back to eating more plant-based meals, enjoying home cooked meals and inspiring my family and those around me to be the best version of ourselves and to live life to the fullest. Regardless, this is a jumpstart to an fire in me that has been left unattended for a too long. 

 

 

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom, 

It's been six years since you passed, that's 2190 days without hearing your voice, the way you said my name, Rah- (pause) Naw-Lin in your ever so cheery melody as if it's a jingle you made since I was born. Lord knows, that same cheerfulness lost its tone in the days leading to your passing. Somedays, you tried to sound like your cheery self, but I knew by the hesitancy in the syllables that we've lost all hope of good news and that sheer reality of your illness was gonna take your life, a little too soon for me and all of us. 

(2012, Visiting Mom's Grave)

Some days I look in the mirror and in a swift glance, I'll see a little bit of you in me. I'll look down at my hands, my thumb (out of all things, looks just like yours). But for the most part, since I'm not back home, there's nothing here that takes me back to you. Somedays I'm afraid that I don't think of you enough, that the only time I stop what I'm doing are during holidays or birthdays or when I come across your photo. I'll sit and watch movies like "Coco" and think, hmm.. is she really up there with dad, grandma and grandpa laughing and reminiscing? 

(2008, Mom & I in my photo studio)

Six years without you hasn't been easy, I've been lost at times and other times I've used my memories of you to help me figure things out.

Some days the feeling of missing you succumbs me and I can't stop crying, wishing you were still here so you could see how far I've come. Did you know I finally graduated from college mom?! I have an awesome job and living in my dream home! (But don't look at all the dust bunnies in the corners or the laundry that hasn't been folded yet!)  How I wish you could see your not so little grandchildren now.  Caelan and Ethan are practically adults and our little Izzy, my mini-me, she's just as tall as me now! She is quite the "balasang" and you would be so proud of how Rudy and I have raised them. But most of all, I wish you could see me. I've grown so much and I've learned to appreciate this one very beautiful life. I wish you were here to see the kind of woman I am today because of you. 

(2008 Mom & Izzy, first time mom has seen snow!)

Six years without you has been so scary at times.

Some days I feel like I try to remember everything you taught me about being a Mom and other days I feel like I was robbed of so much with you. The further I get away from the day you left the easier it gets but the scarier it becomes. I find myself closer to the age you were when I lost you. I feel older and not sure how to navigate this whole thing without you by my side, without you on the other end of the phone, without you in my corner.

I try and remember all the good times, the sweet memories from the time we shared and not just the one bad day you left us. My regrets from those final days are many and sometimes they weigh me down.

Losing you I lost some of me.

I took a different path when you left me. I like to smile and think that I am where I am today because of your guidance and because I lost you.

I'm here today because of you, Mom.

Six years and forever to go of missing you but every now and then, I'll dream about you and in that little moment between the dreams and reality, I get to see you and hear you. 

Your Annako, 
Ronalyn

Self-Love.

 

• 
• 

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."
Oscar Wilde 

Love Yourself. Self Love. Put Yourself First. If you want other people to love you, you must love yourself.

We all know this is generally much easier said than done. Of course we all want to love ourselves, but it's not always that easy, is it? The day I took that photo, I remember sitting on my desk, pinching my belly fat that hung out of my new (bigger ) jeans. Then I found myself scrolling through my old IG pics saying to myself "Damn, look at how skinny and fit I was back then!" and wishing I could get that same desire or drive to get back to that point. It crosses my mind, every now and then, usually when I get up in the morning and get ready for work. But lately, that's all it has been, just a thought, an idea, that has yet to come to fruition. 

Then one day while watching one of my favorite IG'ers @gofitjo's story. She talked about her relationship with "getting fit" and that although she was devoting time at the gym, she wasn't quite "feeling" it. (What! Gasp! My IG fit Inspo not feeling it!) I was just happy to hear she was being "real". Then she asked her fellow viewers if we were at a point in our lives that maybe needed more attention than the other. She made it ok, to not think and be a fitness guru 24/7. I sat back and thought of where my mind, soul, and energy was the last time I was all gung-ho on working out and staying fit. Well, I was a stay at home mom, who wasn't working or going to school. I had quite a bit of time on my hands to truly devote time to my physical goals. (To the point where I was literally going to the gym twice.) I was at a different place in my life. I look at myself now, completely content and happy at where I am (I worked hard to get here, being a full time student and working at the same time) and this was my first time in the real workforce, a 9-5 and doing what makes me happy. So why was I being so hard on myself?

So here's what I've realized (again and again) cause this whole Self-Love is like a renewal of vows, you have to stop what you're doing every now and then and remind yourself.

1. Stop Comparing Yourself To Others. 
   The entire world encourages us to compare, to want what others have, to want to be like others. Focus on you and what's great about who you are, what you have, and what you do. Don't waste any more time comparing yourself to those around you. This is the first -- and most important -- step to loving yourself now. 
2. Focus on your achievements -- big and small.
   To often, we focus on the things that went wrong (or could go wrong) and not on the things we did right. It's okay to acknowledge the things that didn't go swimmingly, but if you really want to love yourself, you have to spend most of your time thinking about what you did/said right. And, remember, even the little things deserve a pat on the back. 
3. Look past the mirror to your true self.
   It's all too common for people to define themselves by the way they look. Remember: you are more than what you look like. Yes, it cannot be denied that appearance is important and has some merit, but it is not everything. The way culture is set up, it's hard to remember that sometimes.
4. View yourself from an another perspective. We all have the tendency from time to time to get wrapped up in our own minds. Our thoughts and ideas take over and we tend to forget that there are millions and millions of other opinions and ideas out there in the world. The next time you find that you're giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and try to look at the situation -- and yourself -- objectively.
5. Make a list of all your awesome traits. Feeling like you're not quite up to par? Stop. Drop what you're doing. Grab paper and a pen. And get to work. The activity might seem like a silly one, but, seriously, taking some time to write about how great you are will help you to realize that, no matter how you might feel about yourself sometimes, you really are pretty awesome.

Loving yourself isn't easy, it seems like the kind of thing that should come naturally, but I think most people are filled with reasonable amount of self-doubt and, as a result, their minds fill with self-deprecating thoughts from time to time. So start embracing your awesomeness and use the five tips above to start loving yourself now. There's no time like the present to learn to love yourself!